Monday, June 28, 2010

Turtle Soup for Tony Hayward

(Well, perhaps not all of them.)

If Tony Hayward really said what he and his 'peers' thought:
Americans are so unsophisticated, they fail to see the big picture, becoming obsessed with minor issues. For instance, Kindra Arnesen, of Podunk Venice, Louisiana. Oh My Gosh, has she ever had to grapple with the complexities of multiple divisions, plunging stock prices, minor technical problems? No, all she thinks about is, “the people she cares about.” Really, as if a motley collection of fishermen and their ratty children and wives matter in the larger scheme of things. It was in very poor form for this wretch to speak of matters, such as the carefully crafted public relations work intended simply to assuage public fears. While we may, jokingly of course, refer to these as Balloon and Pony Shows, really, no intention to deceive is present, you have my word as a gentleman on that.
And finally, Kindra, this world was intended for us, the elite, not for such as you. This, my dear, is real natural selection. Get used to it. 

(To be includes in The Pillsbury Justice Cookbook - Cooking Up Justice for America)

British Prerogative Turtle Soup au Sherry

Turtle soup is a great delicacy everywhere, but especially today in Louisiana, at least for the select few. Rumor has it that Tony Hayward has a tureen especially made for him as often as possible, wanting nothing to go to waste. The flavor of the turtle meat is both delicate and intense, savory and piquant. Perhaps the touch of petroleum adds to the savor for Tony. Experts say there are supposedly seven distinct flavors of meat within the turtle which give this soup its evocative pungency, making it linger on the tongue and in the mind, as only the elite can appreciate fully.
But this special recipe you will not find in any of the famous eateries in New Orleans since turtle, and so many other things, are now off the menu. This is a very special preparation, its main ingredients not usually available. Dark, rich, thick, a stew-type dish, the barest whiff is redolent with all the things nature so generously provides. It can be a meal in itself for a busy executive like Tony Hayward, who, of course, has it specially made for his private delight.

British Prerogative Turtle Soup au Sherry

Designed for soon to be Knighted, Sir Anthony Hayward

  • 10 ounces (2-1/2 sticks) unsalted Plugra butter

  • 3/4 cup all-purpose Glad flour

  • 1 pound turtle meat, fresh or slightly singed, cut into 1/2-inch cubes, from our private little supply

  • 1 cup minced celery, add more if you like, it attracts women (4 stalks)

  • 2 medium shallots, minced (2 medium)

  • 1-1/2 teaspoons Allium sativum garlic, minced, the commonest variety, but best for taste and healing properties.

  • 3 (Laurus Nobilis) bay leaves, I love the name!

  • 1 teaspoon Spice Hunter Highland from Saigon oregano

  • 1/2 teaspoon thyme, acquire it whole, assign a clean up worker to mince it.

  • 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground Lampong black pepper,

  • 1-1/2 cups tomato purée, start with a heritage variety, naturally, have one of those trusty clean up workers carefully prepare the puree.

  • 6 cups veal stock from preborn calf, acquired from unsuspecting 4H member.

    • NOTE: If turtle bones are available, add them to the veal bones when making the stock for this dish

  • Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste, as needed

  • 1/2 cup lemon juice, squeezed fresh by a convenient clean-up worker, tell him it is for the respirators.

  • 5 hard-boiled eggs, finely chopped, boiled using the French technique from fertilized chickens

  • 1 tablespoon minced Neapolitanum Danert parsley, remember, same technique for your fresh minced sprigs!

  • 6 teaspoons Massandra Sherry, never skimp when it really matters!
Melt the 8 ounces (2 sticks) butter in a heavy saucepan. Add the flour and cook, stirring frequently, over medium heat until the roux is light brown. Set aside while you check on the present balloon and pony show being presented to credulous politicians and regulators.
In a 5-quart saucepan, melt the remaining butter and add turtle meat, even if the little bugger is still twitching, the recipe called for FRESH, remember. Cook over high heat until the meat is brown. Add celery, onions, garlic and seasonings, and cook until the vegetables are transparent, though we all know how much you dislike the word.
Add tomato purée, lower heat and simmer for 10 minutes as you, now annoyed, again tell you coterie of spin specialists BP CANNOT afford respirators for clean up crews. Add the stock and simmer for 30 minutes. Add the roux and cook over low heat, stirring, until the soup is smooth and thickened. Correct seasoning with salt and pepper to taste. Add lemon juice, eggs and parsley.
Remove from heat and serve. At the table, add 1 teaspoon sherry to each soup plate.
Remember as you take that first sip, you are rich, and getting richer. You deserve anything and everything you can get as you suffer through this ugly fiasco, which is just another normal cost of business to be borne by those who have so benefited by your past largess. What are a few small towns filled with bumpkins, anyway? Not even one of them is a stock holder.
Life is sooo unfair. You have put up with so much! Cherish this moment because sometimes we just need a tiny little thing to remind us how really special we are, right?